Surviving a Narcissistic Manager

A Step by Step Guide to Managing a Narcissistic Manager: A Practical Strategy Guide

Working with someone who has strong narcisstic traits can lead to insecurity, low self esteem and burnout. Because of the increased availability of information advising us how to spot narcissistic traits, it can be relatively easy to identify someone with a predisposition to narcissism but what if you have to work with someone who is narcissistic?

I’ve put together the 7 step guide below to help you survive working with someone who is narcissist.

1. Understand the Pattern (Not the Person)

You’re not treating them; you’re navigating them.

Typical traits you’ll see:

• Fragile ego beneath grandiosity

• Hyper-reactivity to perceived criticism

• Need for admiration

• Poor empathy

• Blame-shifting and rewriting narratives

• Triangulation or pitting people against each other

Your goal isn’t to fix this. It’s to reduce friction and protect your autonomy.

2. Use “Strategic Communication”

This is the psychological equivalent of aikido: minimal force, maximum effect.

The Formula

Validate → Frame → Redirect

Examples:

• “I can see this project matters to you. Here’s what I can deliver by Friday. If you want it sooner, we’ll need to adjust X.”

• “That’s a helpful perspective. To keep things moving, here’s the next step I’ll take.”

• “I hear that you want this done perfectly. Here’s what’s realistic within the timeframe.”

You’re not feeding their ego—you’re preventing escalation.

3. Don’t Argue With Their Reality

Narcissistic managers rewrite events to protect their self-image.

Trying to correct them directly often backfires.

Instead:

• Anchor everything in written communication

• Summarise agreements in email

• Use neutral, factual language

• Avoid emotional hooks

This protects you without provoking them.

4. Set Boundaries Without Using the Word “Boundary”

The word itself can trigger defensiveness.

Use:

• “Here’s what I can do today.”

• “I’ll need X to complete that.”

• “I can prioritise A or B—let me know which matters most.”

• “I’ll respond once I’ve finished the current task.”

You’re asserting limits through logistics, not confrontation.

5. Don’t Seek Fairness—Seek Strategy

Narcissistic managers often:

• Take credit

• Shift blame

• Play favourites

• React unpredictably

Trying to get fairness from them is like trying to get emotional attunement from a brick wall.

Instead:

• Focus on predictability, not fairness

• Build alliances with emotionally healthy colleagues

• Keep your work visible and documented

• Protect your reputation through consistency and clarity

6. Manage Your Nervous System

This is the part most people underestimate.

Narcissistic dynamics activate:

• Hypervigilance

• Fawn responses

• Self-doubt

• Exhaustion

Use:

• Grounding before meetings

• Brief cognitive reframes (“This isn’t about me; this is about their fragility”)

• Micro-boundaries (pausing before responding, slowing your pace)

• Post-interaction decompression

Your body needs to know you’re safe.

7. Know When It’s Time to Exit

Sometimes the healthiest strategy is leaving.

Red flags that the situation is becoming harmful:

• You’re losing confidence

• You’re constantly anxious

• You’re being isolated or undermined

• You’re doing emotional labour for your manager

• You’re being punished for having boundaries

You don’t need to martyr yourself to prove resilience.

Long term it isn’t healthy for you to be around someone with a strong narcissistic presence but if a work situation means, for now, you have to be, look after yourself.

If you are living with a narcissist and you need support my clinic is based in Wilmslow, Cheshire. I provide: Psychotherapy; CBT; Schema Therapy; EMDR and DBT.